We always tust the Guardian to make working life more interesting…
“28 ways to make meetings more interesting
1. Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand and whisper: “can you feel it?” from the corner of your mouth.
2. Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
3. When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
4. Chew tobacco.
5. Wear a hands free phone headset throughout, once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: “I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!”
6. Write the words ‘he fancies you’ on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
7. Respond to a serious question with: “I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast”.
8. Use ‘Nam style jargon such as “what’s the ETA?”, “who’s on recon?” and “Charlie don’t surf”.
9. Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.
10. Shave one of your forearms.
11. Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs, then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
12. Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you “love this dirty town”.
13. Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for one minute.
14. Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
15. Reflect sunlight into everyone’s eyes off your watch face.
16. Gargle with water.
17. Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
18. Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.
19. Hum throughout the meeting.
20. Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
21. Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
22. Drop meaningless and confusing management speak into conversations such as:
“What’s the margin, Marvin?”
“When’s this turkey going to get basted?”
“If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors”.
23. Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
24. Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
25. Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda
1 Trample the weak
2 Triumph alone
3 Invade Poland
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven’t seen them.
26. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
27. When referring to someone in the room always call them your “homey” or “dog”.
28. Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout: “I AM NOT FINISHED”.